Herpes | I Was Wrong – Another Layer Unveiled

It’s back. This past weekend a breakout was triggered. I went through various emotions from surprise to disappointment to disbelief to denial to feeling powerless to sadness to acceptance.

It was challenging how I saw what I wished for so much to be true not actually be true. And to see that what I thought was not true at all. I honestly did tentatively believe that I had “conquered” herpes.

As I reflect over the past few weeks I see several things that have occurred and can’t help but feel that this is an opportunity to go deeper into myself and sexuality as a whole. I’ve been doing two meditations daily that are powerful for the sexual energies inside the human body: Sat Kriya which specifically works with the sexual energies and our power combined with Kirtan Kriya, which for women releases the imprint of sexual experiences inside the aura (among other things).

After a potent full moon ceremony in a women’s circle I came home to do Kirtan Kriya. I began to cry almost immeditatly in it and continued for at least half of the meditation. I came to realize that I hate the masculine, and that aspect of myself as much as another part of it loves the masculine. Intense feelings of hatred to this aspect of myself overwhelmed me with sadness and pain.

A few days later I drank some wine, which I enjoyed very much, however, wine is linked strongly in my psyche as being connected to unsafe environments and experiences including several sexual traumas I’ve experienced. It is also highly acidic.

It was two days after I had the wine that the herpes struck again. I found myself in denial for two days before finally allowing myself to come to terms with the fact that I was experiencing another breakout. It was not nearly as bad as the previous breakouts have been and it also felt different to me. It did not come with the usual tell-tale signs that I have trained myself to watch out for: the cold sore in the mouth, the soreness on the right side of my body, the pain flowing from back to front.

This time it began with intense pain in my heart that extended down the sides of my body for an evening. I felt these pains to be energetic releases. I also began to feel emotionally low self esteem and self worth. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball on the couch and not move which I did that evening.

The next day I had a class to attend. Throughout the day I was feeling low self-confidence and low-self esteem as well as old patterns being re-enacted around the masculine. I didn’t like what I was witnessing internally. That created the old cycle of self-hatred and disassociation to come up within me again. In the late afternoon I began to feel the pains in my yoni coming again, which scared me a bit though it didn’t terrify as much as it used to.

I did a breathing meditation of release that night until I felt a bubble rise from my root chakra and burst into my heart. I felt better emotionally afterwards but still felt the pain in my yoni.

The next day I was swelling down there, finding it painful for fabric to touch against it, and uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time. Emotionally I was feeling better though and noticed my energies surrounding the masculine as an outer person was much more balanced and in alignment with where I know I am now.

Monday was another day of pain; starting Sunday I began to take baking soda shots to re-alkalize my body which has been the best method for myself to stop an outbreak. I called the Shaman I work with on Monday night and cried a bit about it as he said that it makes sense to have another outbreak. It’s another layer to sort through. And it is likely connected to all of the realizations that I’ve been having and the meditations I’ve been doing.

Today is Tuesday and there is slight pain and definite reduction of swelling. I’ve come to accept that it is the Herpes not yet fully released. I must accept it fully before it can be released I’m told from outside sources (not my intuition). I’m not sure I can accept it.

In fact, I have a really hard time accepting the fact that my body contains a disease that may be with me forever.

It pains me deeply. It angers me. Especially in the way that I caught it. There is no one to blame but myself in this situation and I am angry with myself for the choices that have led me to defile my body in such a way.

A lesson that keeps coming back to me is that I really have learned that I am not invincible as most twenty year olds seem to think and that I was guilty of. I am definitely less careless than before.

This is not the end of the healing journey. I still will heal this from my body. I’m currently at a point of trying to decide what will be the best next step on this journey of releasing herpes from my body.

Obviously there is a lot of emotional stuff still to be released regarding this. Perhaps meditation will be the best way? I’ll let you know what I decide. If you have thoughts let me know!

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